Mon dieu! The Phantom of the Opera is dissatisfied with the selection of shows at our theater, so he's written replacements of his own! Only one problem—we don't even know what his new works are called! He says if we don't put the new shows on exactly he's going to do the chandelier thing again, and we hate that! Please, help us!
"A little too much theater for my tastes... how about some mathematical edification? We can even keep 'One' if we rewrite it to be about the function's value at pi/2 radians!"
"Hmm... keep Lola, but maybe she gets into boxing instead? And the whole musical follows her through each fight! Yes!"
"This kid lies about a dead classmate to get with the dead classmate's sister? No, no, dump the whole thing. What if he's a grizzly instead?"
"Roman characters are so played out; how about something brighter! Way brighter! Like the big day star is shining right into the audience!"
"I don't want to get sued by the LDS, and I got a great salt sponsorship, so two birds with one stone: make this about everyone's favorite salt brand instead!"
"We need to take musicals into the 21st century. How about this: a girl finds out she has three possible fathers, and they're all those little Nintendo characters you can personalize! This is a great idea!"
"I like Sondheim as much as the next phantom, but the songs in this one are a little loose. Let's undo that!"
"What, a kid finds out he wants to be a ballerina? Come on! How about this: he wants to dance, but he's also the meanest person there is. I'm talking stuffing people in lockers, slapping books out of their hands, all that stuff. That's how you write stakes!"
"I don't have many suggestions for this one; mainly, keep the helicopter, bring Lea Salonga back, and crank that fog machine to the highest possible setting! More fog (though, maybe a little less dense, if that's possible)"
"Gangsters? Gambling? New York City? Please! I'm taking this to a simpler premise: just fellas munching on pickles."
"How pretentious, this work, with all this focus on painting and pointillism! A truly good work only needs three ingredients: a weekend, that guy from "Seinfeld," and a meat locker."
"All that handling mental health is much too heavy for me! What about something wacky, like being Mr. Rockwell's neighbor? There could be songs about inspiring his drawings, all while living a house away!"
"Ships? What a tacky setting! I'd prefer a taut drama—maybe focusing on a small group of people and the dirt they dish!"